Monday, February 22, 2010
Ya know.. I am usually not a big fan of the "pity party"... and I try really hard to stay upbeat and have a positive outlook on life in general - but today.. I am just not there. Today is one of those days when I would really like to crawl up inside a container of caramel sutra ice cream and eat my way out..lol I am so sick and tired of being alone and wondering if I am going to be growing old all by myself. I love my son and I spend alot of time with him - but that relationship does not even begin to touch that empty spot that has been inside of me for sooo long now. People at work laugh at me because I DVR sooo many tv programs... but I do because that IS my life...I do plan my life by the tv guide and let me tell you.. it is NOT a happy existence!
Why are so many men so shallow and judgemental right off the bat? I am not so naive to say that chemistry is not an important part of a relationship or that a great looking man does not turn my head and make my pulse quicken just like the next girl. However, I do not write people off and refuse to get to know them based strictly on their looks! I would have missed out on some wonderful people in my life if I had been that type of person. Guys talk to me online..text with me.. chat with me on the phone and seem to be VERY drawn to my personality - and then 9 times out of 10 I send pics... POOF! they disappear! That is sooo hurtful. The worst thing to me is alot of times.. they don't even bother to respond after getting pics - and some of these people I may have been having regular conversations with for days. Yes - it may hurt my feelings to say "I am really not attracted to you after viewing your pics" - but at least I would not come away thinking all men were such JERKS! I mean - come on.. be a MAN.. don't just friggin disappear! Sometimes this is happening to me after they have seen pics and told me they thought I was beautiful... so when that happens..I have to wonder what I did/said to change their mind to the point that they decide to just ignore me. Ignoring me brings out the worst in me - I cannot stand to be ignored...lol
Part of me feels like .."Man I need to hurry up and lose this next 100 lbs..so I can look like the super model all these guys want and then I can have MY pick of who I want to date.." but then yanno - the more I think about that... the more I think "why should I want someone that would not have given me the time of day NOW... how I look right NOW?" It doesn't matter if I weigh 250 or 130... my heart and personality are still the same.. I AM STILL ME... so then I get in that "why even bother" mood.. Anyways..sorry for the rant... just one of those days =(