Ya know.. I am usually not a big fan of the "pity party"... and I try really hard to stay upbeat and have a positive outlook on life in general - but today.. I am just not there. Today is one of those days when I would really like to crawl up inside a container of caramel sutra ice cream and eat my way out..lol I am so sick and tired of being alone and wondering if I am going to be growing old all by myself. I love my son and I spend alot of time with him - but that relationship does not even begin to touch that empty spot that has been inside of me for sooo long now. People at work laugh at me because I DVR sooo many tv programs... but I do because that IS my life...I do plan my life by the tv guide and let me tell you.. it is NOT a happy existence!
Why are so many men so shallow and judgemental right off the bat? I am not so naive to say that chemistry is not an important part of a relationship or that a great looking man does not turn my head and make my pulse quicken just like the next girl. However, I do not write people off and refuse to get to know them based strictly on their looks! I would have missed out on some wonderful people in my life if I had been that type of person. Guys talk to me online..text with me.. chat with me on the phone and seem to be VERY drawn to my personality - and then 9 times out of 10 I send pics... POOF! they disappear! That is sooo hurtful. The worst thing to me is alot of times.. they don't even bother to respond after getting pics - and some of these people I may have been having regular conversations with for days. Yes - it may hurt my feelings to say "I am really not attracted to you after viewing your pics" - but at least I would not come away thinking all men were such JERKS! I mean - come on.. be a MAN.. don't just friggin disappear! Sometimes this is happening to me after they have seen pics and told me they thought I was beautiful... so when that happens..I have to wonder what I did/said to change their mind to the point that they decide to just ignore me. Ignoring me brings out the worst in me - I cannot stand to be ignored...lol
Part of me feels like .."Man I need to hurry up and lose this next 100 lbs..so I can look like the super model all these guys want and then I can have MY pick of who I want to date.." but then yanno - the more I think about that... the more I think "why should I want someone that would not have given me the time of day NOW... how I look right NOW?" It doesn't matter if I weigh 250 or 130... my heart and personality are still the same.. I AM STILL ME... so then I get in that "why even bother" mood.. Anyways..sorry for the rant... just one of those days =(
There is a old saying, "God doesn't make trash" and you are a creation of God. You have value. You have special gifts given to you that many don't.
ReplyDeleteIronically there can be a blessing to having to fight being overweight. It may lead to isolation but also an emathy for others pains and being able to see somewhat beyond some of the shallow masks of the supermodels r rich. Just look in the tabloid rags... devorces, overdoeses, jail, death... those seeming to have it all with fame and fortune yet under the thin picture theve made the illision covers their own unique chaos.
I've really felt those soul ripping times looking into the abyss still focused on the ideal (or the fairy tale as pessimests would jump in to add) to find my own "eve".
Lately I've been watching "doc Holleywood" a lot and it's gut wrenching for me. I earnestly think that sharing the journey with someone special makes the advendure just that and not mearly going through the motions. Having an existentialist mindset I have to believe in the big picture stuff of meaning and purpose. While the getting up and doing the days "chores" are part of it the whole reason behind them is to the why and what purpose you are doing them goal is.
We all have our flaws and quirks. Yet in some you can see the fire in their eye to do what they can to become more, trying (and many times falling) to grab on to the marrow of life.
If I may be forward (fortune favors the bold... or also ends in charging windmills in vain) I've already seen your pictures on you blog... and mine are up at foolsfitness.blogspot.com
Emily Dickenson said something about,"I am nobody who are you? are you nobody too?"
If your trying to express how sometimes that sadness can consume you I think I can't relate.
I'd like to offer a e-mail pen pal: articicle@yahoo.com
Alan at Foolsfitness
The only thing I could suggest that would help your situation would be to go out and find a new hobby or a new interest where you can meet other people. Perhaps you'll meet somebody that way (dance classes or something, maybe?). Even if you get involved in volunteering within your community, that might help you get out of your TV Guide lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteBeing a 21 year-old who's been dating one guy for the past three years and he's my first boyfriend, I may not be in a legitimate position to offer advice, but that just seems the most logical to me. True love isn't gonna fall out of the sky and knock you out with its wonderfulness, but I think you know that already.
Anyway, just keep on focusing on yourself and your health. Things will fall into place in time, given enough effort. <3
Thanks guys! Alan - I may give you a holler sometime =) and Erika.. funny thing is ..I kinda just did that this week..I joined a singles meet up group that gets out and does alot of different things. Thing is - they seem to do alot of things during the week and having a kid at home..I have to stay focused on him and his school during the week. But I did go to a game night they had this weekend and it was fun.. I was just in a funk last night because someone I had met thru a dating site liked me while they were talking to me and then ignored me after I sent pics.. and since this was not the 1st time that has happened - it just really got me down =( But thanks for the kind words from both of you.. I WILL do this!!
ReplyDeleteok Nancy this is a test...to see if I can post without signing in lol
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you go on a media fast?....no tv and limit your internet. If you have hobbies that would keep you inside like reading or knitting, you can do that in a coffee shop. It will also give you MORE time to exercise....hmmmm...maybe I should do that too. And think of all that money you would save on cable...Over a thousand dollars to put towards sexy new clothes in a year. Just a thought.
ReplyDeletethat is an interesting idea... although honestly..I already spend LOADS of time in the gym.. hence the need for my DVR haha am never home to actually watch the programs when they are on.. most of my tv watching is done late night or on weekends..and I would not save ANY money on cable..my son would have a coronary if I pulled the cable LOLOL
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that if people judge you only on the way you look, they are missing out. I have only known you since last June or July and I really haven't met a more fun or positive person in a long time. I joined a free dating website where my neighbor met the love of her life. I am almost 52 years old, and the only emails I'm getting are from 21 - 36 year olds. I'm thinking that they're thinking I'd be grateful, if you know what I mean. But, I am not giving up. I am starting to volunteer since my daughter is driving, and will in college soon. Even if I don't meet anyone, I'm doing something valuable with my time!
ReplyDeleteThanks Nancy =) I needed that comment!! What dating site?
ReplyDelete