Friday, August 6, 2010

WOW... what a kick in the butt!!

As you know - I have been going in the wrong direction lately.. I have gained back a good bit of the weight that I worked almost all of last year to lose. WHY do we do that to ourselves? Do I honestly think I am not worth the fight? Yeah - I guess sometimes I do..sadly.  I have been working back towards getting back on track for a few weeks now. My stitches are out - my head is healed and I have NO MORE EXCUSES to stay away from the gym. So why have I not jumped back in full steam? Not entirely sure - though a big part of it is that I am just too impatient. I want to see the weight just fall off as easily as it piled on. But that is just not going to happen.

I had a huge "awakening" tonite - that I am going to work hard to turn into motivation rather than the self-pity that I usually wallow in. I had found some old pictures in the basement and was looking through them..kind of trolling down memory lane. The pics were of me and my sons father on our honeymoon. I was barely 20 - and was about 100 lbs lighter than I am now.  My son was in the basement with me - looking at the pics. He made a comment about how small I was.. and asked me how skinny I had been in HS. I told him the truth - that I was never "skinny" - but had been in much better shape than he had ever seen me. There was also a little portfolio of pics from my senior year of HS.. one in particular where I was sitting on the couch with all our dogs. He looked at that pic and said,"Is this YOU?? really??"  It was a little funny - but it also reminded me of why I started this journey. I told my son when I started that I wanted to be "skinny" by his 17th birthday. I was getting into better shape for me - and that was a huge thing.. but I really want my son to look at me and feel proud - instead of ashamed. I am not going to make the goal of his 17th birthday.. but I hope I can get back on track and really get something accomplished.

One of the other things I did was take pics of me from all angles..if I knew it would not embarass my son to death, I would post one on the fridge to remind myself to stay out of it! These pics were certainly an eye opener for me. I look like a weeble wobble! It is shameful to see what I have allowed my body to become. I truly hope that I can someday be proud of what I see in the mirror.