Single forever??

Ya know.. I am usually not a big fan of the "pity party"...  and I try really hard to stay upbeat and have a positive outlook on life in general - but today.. I am just not there.  Today is one of those days when I would really like to crawl up inside a container of caramel sutra ice cream and eat my way out..lol  I am so sick and tired of being alone and wondering if I am going to be growing old all by myself.  I love my son and I spend alot of time with him - but that relationship does not even begin to touch that empty spot that has been inside of me for sooo long now.  People at work laugh at me because I DVR sooo many tv programs... but I do because that IS my life...I do plan my life by the tv guide  and let me tell you.. it is NOT a happy existence!  

Why are so many men so shallow and judgemental right off the bat?  I am not so naive to say that chemistry is not an important part of a relationship or that a great looking man does not turn my head and make my pulse quicken just like the next girl.  However, I do not write people off and refuse to get to know them based strictly on their looks!  I would have missed out on some wonderful people in my life if I had been that type of person.  Guys talk to me online..text with me.. chat with me on the phone and seem to be VERY drawn to my personality - and then 9 times out of 10 I send pics... POOF!  they disappear!  That is sooo hurtful.  The worst thing to me is alot of times.. they don't even bother to respond after getting pics - and some of these people I may have been having regular conversations with for days.  Yes - it may hurt my feelings to say "I am really not attracted to you after viewing your pics" - but at least I would not come away thinking all men were such JERKS!  I mean - come on.. be a MAN..  don't just friggin disappear!  Sometimes this is happening to me after they have seen pics and told me they thought I was beautiful... so when that happens..I have to wonder what I did/said to change their mind to the point that they decide to just ignore me.  Ignoring me brings out the worst in me - I cannot stand to be ignored...lol

Part of me feels like .."Man I need to hurry up and lose this next 100 lbs..so I can look like the super model all these guys want and then I can have MY pick of who I want to date.."  but then yanno - the more I think about that...  the more I think "why should I want someone that would not have given me the time of day NOW... how I look right NOW?"  It doesn't matter if I weigh 250 or 130... my heart and personality are still the same.. I AM STILL ME...  so then I get in that "why even bother" mood.. Anyways..sorry for the rant... just one of those days =(

Losing followers =(

Well.. I guess I need to get on the ball and stay on top of this blog..I am starting to lose my faithful followers  =(
That's sooo not a good thing because it is the comments from the crowd that keep me motivated and keep me plodding down this path!  I am having such a hard time getting back on the right track after the Christmas holidays...and I really don't understand why.  I have felt sooo great since losing the weight I have lost so far..why on earth would I sabatoge myself and start to gain it back??  My son has been so proud of me - I HAVE to get going again! 

My trainer - Jim.. has started me on a weight lifting regimen in addition to my aerobics. It nearly killed me the 1st week.. but am currently on the 3rd week and it is starting not to make me quite so sore every week =)  He is commenting about me on his FB page.. trying to use ME to motivate others.  Psshh..  he needs to quit.. I do not need that kind of pressure  haha  Now everyone is going to be watching my progress (hmm think that was his plan)  lol

Great to see my folks for an unexpected visit this week... I really wanted to have hit that 100 by April when they come back...  =(  That is not happening bar a miracle..  but I need to at least get back to and pass where I was before the holidays before then.  Ya'll cheer me on... I need it!!

Live..Laugh..Love and ?? 
Cassi

Back on track ~ Now full speed ahead!! woo woo!!

Alright guys... holidays are OVER... officially and unofficially and everything in between!  No more using that as an excuse!  My weigh in this morning took the scale in the right direction again FINALLY  =)  yes people..I had a loss  yeah!!  But you know I cannot tell you how much because I am saving that for my folks in April as a big surprise and hopefully it will be a GREAT one!

I sat down tonite and got serious on the body bugg journaling thingy too..I eat pretty much the same meals every day when I am sticking to my plan..with a little variety thrown in here and there to keep me going.so I sat down tonite and logged all my "normal" meals as recipes so when I am on track all I have to do is type a few words and it pulls up the exact calorie count for that whole meal.  Pretty cool =) 

I also just started a new work out plan this week. I met with my trainer (luv you Jim!!) over the weekend and while I had been throwing in some weights here and there already - I was not doing any kind of weight lifting plan consistently.  Welllll.... he changed that let me tell you... I am now lifting weights 4 days a week!  Monday is Chest/Tri..Tuesday is Legs (and man are mine weak right now lol)  rest Wednesday THANK THE LORD!!!  and Thursday will be Back/Bi and Friday is Shoulders/and something I cant remember..Lats maybe??  lol  I don't know..all greek to me! We were going over the exercises he was putting me on and he would say," ok.. the next one is Hack Squats... you know what that is..right?"  Pssshhh... I am 100 and something pounds overweight dude..do I LOOK like I know what a hack squat is??? hahaha   He was very sweet and patient with me and showed me each and every one!!  There is even a website I can go to and look them up as well because ya'll know by the time he got to the 2nd of 4 sheets..I was not remembering what a hack squat was..hehe  I have done day 1 and day 2... let's all pray that I make it to Friday without falling out somewhere.  Today was legs... I thought I did pretty well..  did all my reps/sets without crying =) but my legs were feeling a little rubbery as I headed out the door to my car.  I get to the curb to cross to the parking lot...take that one step down...and omg! I looked a little like a baby giraffe being born ..trying to find it's legs haha... My legs just gave way when I made that LITTLE step off the curb...haha  I was a little embarassed as 2 cars had actually stopped to let me cross over and I looked like a weeble wobble trying to get to my car!  =)

I also recruited my assistants mom to get on this journey with me...told her to catch the blog and she might get a shout out...hey Mrs. Sherry!!  she has NO idea what she got into when she asked me to hold her accountable  hehe  I needed someone to help do that for me... so we are going to help each other =)  I have a much longer journey than she does ~ but I hope she will hang in here with me!

Ok guys.. time to see if I can make it downstairs to my bed without falling on my face as my legs are STILL a little rubbery..  thanks to all of you hanging in here with me! I promise you are going to see me getting more consistent with the blog =)

Until next time...
Cassi