As you know - I have been going in the wrong direction lately.. I have gained back a good bit of the weight that I worked almost all of last year to lose. WHY do we do that to ourselves? Do I honestly think I am not worth the fight? Yeah - I guess sometimes I do..sadly. I have been working back towards getting back on track for a few weeks now. My stitches are out - my head is healed and I have NO MORE EXCUSES to stay away from the gym. So why have I not jumped back in full steam? Not entirely sure - though a big part of it is that I am just too impatient. I want to see the weight just fall off as easily as it piled on. But that is just not going to happen.
I had a huge "awakening" tonite - that I am going to work hard to turn into motivation rather than the self-pity that I usually wallow in. I had found some old pictures in the basement and was looking through them..kind of trolling down memory lane. The pics were of me and my sons father on our honeymoon. I was barely 20 - and was about 100 lbs lighter than I am now. My son was in the basement with me - looking at the pics. He made a comment about how small I was.. and asked me how skinny I had been in HS. I told him the truth - that I was never "skinny" - but had been in much better shape than he had ever seen me. There was also a little portfolio of pics from my senior year of HS.. one in particular where I was sitting on the couch with all our dogs. He looked at that pic and said,"Is this YOU?? really??" It was a little funny - but it also reminded me of why I started this journey. I told my son when I started that I wanted to be "skinny" by his 17th birthday. I was getting into better shape for me - and that was a huge thing.. but I really want my son to look at me and feel proud - instead of ashamed. I am not going to make the goal of his 17th birthday.. but I hope I can get back on track and really get something accomplished.
One of the other things I did was take pics of me from all angles..if I knew it would not embarass my son to death, I would post one on the fridge to remind myself to stay out of it! These pics were certainly an eye opener for me. I look like a weeble wobble! It is shameful to see what I have allowed my body to become. I truly hope that I can someday be proud of what I see in the mirror.
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Cassi, you will make it. You are determined to do it. You just have to remember how much you enjoyed working out. I know that may be hard to believe, but I remember meeting you at the Y and you so enjoying Jam, and doing Pump even though you didn't enjoy it. You can do it. See you at the Y!
ReplyDeleteYou can't do it alone but God is there to help you so take His hand and trust Him to help you . We loved you as a skinny little girl, we loved you in high school, we loved you in college, we loved you when you married and had our grandson, we have loved you through all the ups and downs in your life, we will ALWAYS love you, but GOD LOVES YOU EVEN MORE. Let Him help you.
ReplyDeleteCassi, all change is a matter of 2 steps forward, one step back. What you are going through is normal and to be expected. You are doing great just to still be in the game.
ReplyDeleteTime for an update :)
ReplyDeleteIts been a couple years and I am curious as to how you are doing? I followed a link to your blog that you left in a comment on 344Pounds.com
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